Winchester 1.3

My little house, our little house, had been redone. I turned my shocked eyes to Gordon to see him smiling. Reaching over he brushed a hand over my cheek.

“It’s not much. Mainly just the outside and I got some flooring and carpeting in place with some money I’ve been saving. I figured the baby would be coming soon and after that they’ll be crawling sooo…”

I felt tears pool in my eyes as he stared at me in expectation. I leaned over and pressed a kiss to his mouth. Why couldn’t I love him? I demanded of myself as I pulled back. I gentle cupped his face in my hands and stared deep into his eyes.

“You are a good man Gordon Wolosenk0.”

“I try.” Reaching up he squeezed my hand then shoving open the door of the cab helped me out before dragging me into the house. We spent the next fifteen minutes walking around the house as he pointed out things that he had done. We were standing in the living room when he suddenly stopped and turned to me.

“Will you marry me LaTonya?”

I laughed. “I’ve already said I would.”

“No, I mean here…now. Will you marry me.”

I looked around. “There’s no pastor. How would we-”

“Things are different here. It’s like a common law thing if we perform the wedding ourselves except it’s more binding than common law. It’s a true marriage. We don’t have a need for priests or pastors here.”

My heart thundered in my chest. I thought I would have months to decide on if getting married was the right thing to do but….how could I say no when he had just done such a wonderfully sweet thing?

I couldn’t. I was cornered by my own need to want to love this man and not hurting his feelings. And so, in the middle of our newly furnished living room….

He said his vows to me. If anyone asked me to repeat what he said I would have stared at them in silence. I felt as if I was going to throw up but doesn’t every bride?

And I said my vows to him. I remember saying something about honoring and being there for richer or poorer. I don’t remember much else. I think that if the photographer hadn’t nudged me with her foot I might have forgotten the rings that Gordon had provided from thin air.

All I know is, as he wrapped his arms around me and I slapped a smile on my face and the photographer’s camera clicked away, is that I didn’t love him. And as his lips touched mine and a knot formed in my stomach I knew that I never would. Not like he wanted me to…and not as I should.

Months passed and the pregnancy took its toll on my body. Between trying to move up at work and keep the pretense that I was in a happy marriage I was constantly tired.

It was like I had narcolepsy or something. Someone could be talking to me and I would pass out. It didn’t matter where I was or what I was doing. It was actually embarrassing.  A neighbor came over, Roxxie, and she and I were talking about married life. She was engaged and was wondering if she wanted to go through with the marriage. She had dated Gordon for awhile before he and I met and I was interested to see what she thought of him. Unfortunately for me I was exhausted and before I could question her I fell asleep in my food.

“Toni? Toni!”

“So, like I was saying,” I blurted out as I wiped at the food on my face. “How long did you and Gordon date?”

She shrugged and pretended as if she hadn’t noticed me falling asleep in my feed. “It wasn’t actually dating. It was more…”

“Oh my god! Did you sleep with him? How was it?”

Roxxie gave me a curious look. “Uh…you’ve slept with him-” She pointed her spoon at my belly. “So I’m pretty sure that you know how it is.”

I nodded sagely, or at least what I thought nodding sagely would look like. A silence fell between us as I tried to figure out the best way to phrase my next question.  I cleared my throat and before I knew it the words were flying out of my mouth.

“Did you enjoy it?”

“I beg your pardon?”

I shrugged. “Our sex life isn’t as…exciting as I’m used to but-”

She looked slightly uncomfortable before she took a deep breath. ” I enjoyed the sex with Gordon. He’s great in bed. Are you saying that you don’t enjoy it?”

I hadn’t even realized I had fallen asleep again until she nudged me awake.

“Well, I guess that answers my question about your sex life huh?”

Laughing I walked her to the door. She peered out before turning to me. “Mind if I say good-bye to Gordon? I saw him out in the yard with some lady from the science club.”

I shrugged. “Go for it. I’m going to clean up and go to bed.”

Maybe I was hoping that Roxxie still had a crush on Gordon and maybe that crush would lead to something else. Alright, I was hoping that it would lead to something else. Especially since I had noticed the sparkle in her eye when she talked about Gordon. She still loved him in a way that I never had.  And even if she was in love with someone else now he held a place in her heart that he had never even entered in mine.